HMRC

This is apparently an actual letter from HMRC published in the Guardian:

Dear  Mr Addison,  

I  am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to  
our  latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.  
I  will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must  take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might  perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand".  This is how we  at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy,   traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your  frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and  panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been  noted.  
However,  whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would  cautiously suggest that their being
from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate  banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to  "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little  ill-advised. In common with my own organization, it is unlikely that the  senders of these letters do see you as a "lack wit bumpkin" or, come to that,  a "sodding
charity". 
 More  likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain , with a
responsibility  to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me  to my next point. 
Whilst  there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go  to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services",  a moment's  rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion  that the
government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole  damned party" yourself. 
The  estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by  taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than  you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish hairsplitters" and  "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to,  for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university  system."

A  couple of technical points arising from direct  queries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins"  on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2.  You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing   else to give" has never been considered as a practice,  because even if  the  Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical  logistics  involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust  this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to  influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even  if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India  " you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by  Friday.

Yours sincerely, 
H J Lee, 
Customer Relations 
Inland  Revenue